I’m taking my life back one bite at a time……
I deleted My Fitness Pal account and I have no regrets! I religiously used the site for the purpose of holding myself accountable to what I put into my mouth. However, for someone like me, the site is counterproductive. You see, I have a love/hate relationship with food. I obsess and calculate and then I begin eating less and less each day until one day I crash. Then the emotional roller coaster comes and it can take a while for me to find my emotional center again. I discovered the reason for this self sabotage after talking to my son yesterday. He plans to become a Psychologist and will be attending college in a just a few months’ time. I’ve got to give him credit. He has some amazing insight for an 18-year-old. He explained it thusly: The calorie restrictions that I placed for myself on My Fitness Pal was at a level that would be almost impossible to maintain. Therefore, every time I measured my progress, old feelings of lack came rushing back to the surface of my mind. I cannot reach perfection, although I keep trying. I know why I do this, but I really don’t want to get into the why’s right now. Suffice it to say, I feel so much relief after deleting my account. The pressure is off and I feel like I can finally relax. In fact, I slept like a baby last night – a full 8 hours of sleep, the first time in weeks. Worrying over every bite that I put into my mouth all day long everyday would be most detrimental to my psyche. Don’t get me wrong, the site can be most useful for others. Especially for those who don’t have such heavy emotional baggage as me.
So I decided to delete my account and I’ve never felt better. However, I feel like a big ball of exposed nerves now. The emotional damage I inevitable caused myself has leaked into other areas of my life, mainly my relationships. I tend to distance myself from others when under stress. I realize that it’s time to get out of my “head” and back into my “body,” so I will diligently try to go out for a walk in the frigid temperatures today. Talk about a way to get back into the body….Brrrr!
During all these recent revelations, I’ve come to understand that I must make some difficult decisions. I need to put myself first ALL the time, not just some of the time, but ALL the time. If there is only a small part of me that is present, then I have hardly anything to give of myself to my children or my husband. After all, they are the most important people in my life. Through much contemplation, I have determined that I MUST learn to love myself just as I am. I have lost about 50% of my excess weight after having had weight loss surgery last May. According to the medical guidelines that my surgeon explained to me, that figure is what the average person should lose through weight loss surgery. So with that explanation, I must find a way to be happy with myself just as I am. What if I never lose another pound? Should I be unhappy for the rest of my life because the much-anticipated numbers that I want to see never appear on the scales? Will I live the rest of my life feeling despondent because I am not the dress size I have envisioned for myself? Am I not more than a physical body? I would really like to lose another 80 pounds, but if I don’t………? What if this is the size that I will be from now on?
My husband has reassured me that he finds me most attractive at my current weight. My children don’t love me any less. So what I am worried about? There again, I am trying to live up to some invisible line of perfection, some imaginary mark, the finish line……..Why do I sabotage myself? I think it’s time I begin forgiving those who have played a part in destroying my self-confidence. I have to go all the way back to my earliest formative years. Get down on my knees and ask for God to help me forgive those who hurt me the most. Help me to forgive those who abandoned me, those who let me down, those who have lied about me, and those who did not see the value in me. God help me! I’ve got to let go of it all. I’ve got to heal from it and move on. I thought I had already worked through all of this. I have learned all along through my weight loss surgery that losing the physical weight requires a shift in my consciousness. I have to be willing to let go of the emotional baggage that preceded the weight gain in the first place.
I’m taking my life back……One bite at a time…….